Overflow of My Heart

God is astounding. He has redeemed my life in way’s I never even imagined. I’ve prayed, cried, sacrificed and pursued the Lord with all that I have this past year, and the fruit of that is abundance. My life is literally overflowing with blessings in a way I can’t comprehend. My basket isn’t even big enough to hold everything He has been giving me. But I want to talk about my mom here because the deepest desire in my heart has been to see her restored.

These past few days I have seen a side of my mom that has been hidden for ten years. She’s been a recluse, hiding from everyone and everything for many years. I never blamed her, I completely understood why, but I’ve always wanted my mom back.

God has given me that! 

For the first time in far too long I had mother daughter time. I got to talk to my mom about God and what He’s doing in her life, and she shared with me all He’s been speaking to her. Something my heart has ached for.

God is awesome, wondrous, astonishing, breathtaking, overwhelming, magnificent and so many other things I could go on for pages. I am constantly blown away by His love for me. I was explaining that to my mom last night, and she said to me something I’ll never forget, “He’s been waiting to pour out all of these blessings on you. Now that you’re in a place where He can He’s giving it all to you saying, ‘Look Taylor, look what I’ve been saving for you.'” And that’s the truth! He’s been saving up all these blessings for me, waiting for the day that I came and asked for them, waiting for me to give up what I thought was best and accept what He had. It is so worth it!

My life is a testimony of His greatness, His glory. People changing, healing in my heart, dreams coming true, desires being fulfilled, those are all things I couldn’t ever do. Those are all things that my Father will do, and has done for His children.

God is revealing more of Himself to me daily. I’m going to an entirely new level in my faith, and in my relationship with Him. He will not relent, and I will not turn away.

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A Simple Update

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time out to write something. I haven’t had much to say, but I do want to get an update in so I can look back on this time. I’ve got to keep documenting my journey.

I am officially a worship leader. I cannot even begin to describe what that means to me. That has always been my dream. To touch people with the gift God has given me. To let the Holy Spirit pour out of me as my voice lifts up praises to my Father. After years of depression, silence and defeat I have finally come to a place of blessing and fulfillment. The enemy cannot steal my dreams from me.

True to His Word God is restoring in abundance everything that I have lost. I am reaching new depths in my relationship with Him. He’s taking me deeper and deeper into the life I have always dreamed about. He’s providing me with a spiritual family that is supportive and constantly pouring back into me. I am overflowing with His love. Even sitting here I am completely overwhelmed with His love for me. All I want to do is thank and praise Him.

My heart is changing, growing and healing. My spirit is full and overflowing. My soul is at peace. My mind is being renewed.

I’ve come so incredibly far in such a short period of time.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still struggling, still learning, still fighting, still growing, still overcoming, still surrendering, but my attitude is different. My will is stronger.

The indecision that has run my life for so long is dissipating.

I know what I want. I know how to get there. I know what it takes, and I’m willing to give up everything for it. To me it is worth it.

And it is so much greater than I ever imagined.

Latest Discovery

As I’m pouring more of myself into Jesus, really finding him, really discovering who He is and who He says I am I’m finding myself being different. Not in the way of me changing, but in the way that I feel more like myself. I’m worshiping the Lord, I’m learning how to spend time with Him, and in turn He’s renewing my mind and restoring my soul.

Don’t get me wrong, things are still hard. I still wake up on some mornings and look around for that boy, but for the most part I’m finding myself not in need of him or his approval. I’m struggling with doubt, but as I push into Him my questions fall away. They aren’t my questions anyway.

I can say more days than not that I know who I am and what I want to do. My dreams are being revealed and coming true right before my eyes. Its probably the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced in this world.

He is becoming a real person to me. Not a far off presence that only comes when I call, but a being that is constantly with me. He’s in my car while I’m driving, He’s next to me while I’m singing, He’s with me when I’m sleeping and He enjoys just being with me.

I am learning to enjoy just being in Him. When I’m doing things for Him is when I find myself the happiest. I am the best that I can be when I’m spending my time in his presence. So tell me, why would I ever want to be out of His presence?

It is His gift to me on this planet.

“I’m trading my sorrows. I’m trading my shame. I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord.”  

I am and I have and I can say that more often than not I am filled with joy for no reason, with peace that surpasses all understanding.

I can’t wait to see whats around the next corner. Every moment spent with Him is a gift. I am constantly unwrapping presents from my Father. The best part is He always gives me something my heart desires. Sometimes I’ve asked, but sometimes I don’t even know I need it until its sitting right in front of me.

But He knows.

He always knows, always has and always will.

Its absolutely the greatest thing.

 

My Choice

I have chosen to spend my nights alone. I have chosen to move to a place where I am isolated from everyone and everything except family. I have chosen to spend my time pursuing the things I love. I have chosen to pursue my happiness.

I have recently made all of these extreme decisions. I have been given an opportunity to take a break from the norm and live life in my own way. I recognize this chance is rare. It is a fairy tale. Yet here I am living it. It is my reality.

So yes, most nights I lay and remember those arms so familiar, those sweet texts that got me through the day, and those many wonderful people that were always there for me. I am reminded of my loneliness, and everything that was.

Then I’ll take a deep breath maybe shed a few tears and remind myself that for the first time in my life I am completely happy. Not the happy you tell everyone you are just so you won’t be interrogated about whats going on in your life, no I am truly happy all the way to my core.

I am just lonely.

But loneliness is no reason to sacrifice this opportunity. It is in fact the very thing I need to keep pushing me through. It takes me to places inside of me long forgotten.

I am terrified of what I will discover, but I am in awe of all the things I am learning.

I have chosen to own who I am, and what I do.

I have chosen.

Now I am leaning to stand strong and live out my choice.

What I’ve learned while missing you

“I missed what I was supposed to learn because all I learned about was missing you.” -mewithoutYou 

Its amazing to me how very true that statement is. Throughout my life it never fails that I will put all of my effort into one specific person. They will come around and fill an emptiness in my life. It’s always in a different way. A new person, new adventures, new attitudes, etc., but they are there for the same reason. It never fails that when I’m not spending every single second by their side I miss them. I miss them so much that my thoughts are consumed with them completely blinding me from thoughts of any other kind.

My point is I spend and have spent so much of my life missing people that it takes getting completely away from them for me to learn a lesson. Its never the same. Every time I’ve entered a relationship I leave learning something new, but there is a theme that has stayed true across the board. I can not receive from any person whatever it is I’m searching for. I need to become satisfied and content with who I am exactly as I am to be happy in this life. The way I look, talk, write, think, the way I react to everything. I need to know who I am, and why I respond to things the way that I do. So I sit and listen to these songs that tear my heart out because it makes me miss you so much forcing me to face my loneliness. Why is it I felt I needed you? What is it you fulfilled inside of me?

Damn it. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t want to sit here and think about you and everything we’ve been through because it brings back years of memories lost and unsolved. Now, there are times that no longer come to mind because I know that I’ve made my peace. I’ve completely had resolution in certain areas, this one is just so new. As if it happened yesterday. And I know that you are so very close. I could hop a fence and be next to you, but I also know that sitting here pondering is helping me stay on the path I’ve chosen.

So I choose to feel my way through this the only way I know how. I choose to sing my heart out. I’ll sing so loud you won’t be able to hear anything else. You will feel the brokenness inside of me rolling out like ocean waves. When I’m done singing scars will be formed, skin will be toughened and I’ll be moving on to face new obstacles. Ready to fight the next battle.

Learning about missing you taught me how to overcome that deep ache inside of me. Now I can listen to those songs full of memories, and by the end I’m a stronger person. I am learning what it takes to love and accept myself.

How many times will I do this before I feel completely healed?

Well, once I find out I’ll be sure to let you know.

The deeper I go the more it shows.

As I’ve been reading the book of Acts I have been incredibly encouraged to be a Christian. Earlier in the year I realized that it was such a huge blessing to know God personally without the confusion of religion in my way. I know God because He has revealed Himself to me in my daily life through small miracles. At twenty years old I still have child like faith because nothing has been able to take that from me. Even in my darkest days I remember calling out to God begging Him to save me and bring me out of my misery. I knew that He could, I just had to be done with that lifestyle. I’ve asked God for years to increase my desire for Him so I would have the strength and the courage to give up everything in my life that has distracted and deterred me from His path. Now here I am, coming on eight years later, living in a place where I have absolutely nothing to worry about. God has provided me with food, shelter, friends and family that love and support me and all I have to do is accept it. The daily distractions I have are nothing like what I’ve faced before, and the sin I struggle with no longer completely consumes me.

I am experiencing real freedom for the first time in my life.

I have the strength and the courage to do everything God asks me to, and I have an overwhelming desire to do it every day.

It is amazing to me that just a few months ago I still wasn’t pursuing God like I am now. I literally do not enjoy going through a day that I haven’t given to Him. Even if I only have time to sing one worship song, I’ve got to do it. I make time for God.

It’s who I am. It’s what my life is about.

I am becoming more myself now than I ever have been before.

It is still a struggle, but the struggle is different. I’m not still battling with knowing if He is real or there or if He truly fogives me. I know He is real and there and He forgives me. Now my battle is claiming that truth and fighting for it everyday. When my car won’t start, my keys get lost, my little sisters are screaming, my dad’s been gone for too long or my loneliness consumes me; He wants me to give it to Him and trust that He’s gonna take care of it all. Those are all different tactics the enemy uses to trip me up and begin opening doors to darkness. It is my new duty to recognize each of those instances for what they are and surrender them to My Father, My Savior, My Lover and Friend.

“…For I am ready not only to be jailed at Jerusalem, but also to die for the sake of the Lord Jesus.” Acts 21:13

Out of the entire book this verse stood out to me.

I really feel like God is preparing my heart to be as bold as Paul. I’m entering into this Super Christian phase. Now that I’ve heard the truth I can’t shake it from my mind in everything that I say and do. I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m becoming more prepared as each day goes on.

“And I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours. I pray to be only Yours.  I know now you’re my only hope.”

Open doors, changing hearts; this is where it starts.

Everything about today has been a gift from God straight to my heart. Things that I have desired and for my entire life God put in my lap today. All I had to do was listen and obey.

When I first got to Henderson I went to church with my family. It’s just a small church right down the road called New Life. As soon as the worship started, the tears came and they fell down my face until the music stopped. My heart has always felt pulled to worship. I am supposed to be up there! That is what my heart always screams. And its not that I desire to be on stage, it has never been that, I just know that is what God has gifted me with. A spirit to lead worship. A prophetic worship spirit. I have never been somewhere that I felt my gift would be utilized. So I’ve buried it away. Ignored that desire. I even stopped singing completely. I stopped listening to music. I stopped writing.

Over the past year God has been restoring those broken desires. Letting me know that it is okay to do what I love. That he put those loves there and He is going to use them in the right time. I just needed to open my heart to him and trust that He was going to take care of everything.

So here I am one year later at this church crying my eyes out, feeling like God is saying, “This is the place, Taylor. This is where I want to use your gifts.” Now I just needed to wait.

Yesterday at church I turned in my new member card and grabbed the monthly events calendar. I saw that every Monday at ten there is a group meeting. Well, I have nothing to do so I figured I’d give it a try. It turns out to be just a group of random people, different every time that meet for a time of worship, prayer and reading of the Word. For the first hour it was this lady Bobby and I. We turned on her little cd player and just worshiped. At one point she paused it and started praying out loud. I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to start singing. So I did! I just sang whatever came to my mind. Whatever I felt the Lord wanted me to say, and it was so freeing! Bobby agreed with me and we prayed together and enjoyed the Lord’s company together.

This is something I’ve never done! I’ve never started randomly singing whatever the Lord put on my heart. I was absolutely terrified, but it was exactly what He’s been preparing me to do. At this point another lady walked in and so did the pastor. Bobby walks right up to both of them and says, “This girl is exactly what we’ve been praying for! She’s got a spirit of prophetic worship, and I am so glad that God brought her through our doors!” The pastor smiled and said, “That’s wonderful! Let’s get her lined up for worship!”

And I’m just standing her smiling completely in awe of the situation that is unfolding in front of me. I am an answer to prayer? God brought me here as a blessing for this church? And here I was thinking this church was an answer to my prayers, my own little blessing. I had no idea God was using me for them as much as he was using them for me.

I’ve never been happier, not in my whole entire life. Even as I’m writing this I feel like its scattered. Its not really capturing the amount of joy that I am feeling right now! God loves me and is answering my prayers. He is answering the deepest desires of my heart. He is still restoring and renewing my life for his glory and his goodness! And he is proud of me! My Father in Heaven is so incredibly proud of me! I am a blessing to Him! I can not stop rejoicing. This entire day has been full of life, new life! I am so excited to see where God is going to take me. How are you going to use me next, Father? How are you going to help me grow from here?

I can’t wait to see what He has in store :)

This is the song on my heart for everyone that reads this.

One Thing- Jesus Culture

“You’re love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. And on and on and on and on it goes. It overwhelms and satisfies my soul. And I never, ever have to be afraid; one thing remains.”